Waking up this morning, I was unusually ready to get out of bed an hour before my lecture. The sun was shining, birds were singing and I was inundated with Valentine's messages on my phone (no, that's a lie). Valentine's day, the one day a year that single girls pretend they love being single and independent (to not show weakness or something?), and girls in relationships preach that their partners show them copious amounts of love the other 364 days a year so it's not a big deal (but if they don't receive a card and dinner reservations, God help you, guys).
When I think of Valentine's day, I just think of a tacky excuse to exchange over priced boxes of chocolate, which if you think about it is a massive feeder ploy. You guys laugh at the fat women on the internet that video themselves eating, while weirdos think about being smothered by their fat folds. But you all grab the biggest (or cheapest) box of Thorntons to feed to your significant other. Being an inquisitive journalism student I rang Waitrose PR people and they told me their confectionary sales are up 28% this year! You fat bastards. Flowers are a massive pain in the arse as well "Sweetie, I love you, let me show you how much by giving you something that will wither and die in 2-3 days". I've never been given flowers (bitter, me? Non!) so I guess I don't understand really how lovely(?) it must be. But as far as I'm aware flowers don't give you to a triple orgasm, so they can't be that great.
LOOK, look how cynical I'm being! Is this me joining the mass of single girls that "don't care about Valentine's day"? Am I going to go home and hate on girls in relationships and bury my misery in a tub of Ben and Jerry's?! No! Why? Because Ben and Jerry's is nearly five fucking English pounds, and I'm a student.
Whether you're in a relationship or single, Valentine's is something you can't escape. Your Twitter feed is filled with people taking a stance or gushing, Facebook is a bag of balls anyway so it doesn't count but I bet your timeline is full of low res heart pictures from Google Images. Reddit hasn't let me down so far but we're still early in the day. Even what I'm writing now is contributing to your Valentine's viewing.
In all seriousness though, maybe we should all just sack V day off. Following the tragic news of Olympic and Paralympic star Oscar Pistorius, keeping clear of the holiday might be for the best. She was trying to do something nice and he fucking shot her. Twice. Gun crime in South Africa is so high, 50 people are reportedly gunned down daily. But that's a story for another time.
On a brighter note, whatever you're doing, wallowing, sexing, being wined and dined, have fun and be safe.
Me? I'm dressing up as a zombie and getting drunk. You can't justify a fiver on ice cream but you can a tenner on vodka I hear you say? Don't judge me you bastards.
Love you bye!
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